Let's Talk About It: Good Sex Is a Two-Way Street, Baby
HEY HONEYBUNS
Let me say what most people are too polite to say out loud.
A whole lot of you are having bad sex and lying about it.
Now before you clutch your pearls, hear me. I say it with love. I say it because somebody has to, and I have never been the one to whisper when the truth deserves to be said plainly. We are grown here. So let us talk about the thing everybody is doing and nobody is being honest about.
The Performance Has to Stop
Ladies, let me start with us, because we started this mess.
How long have you been lying there, putting on the show, making the sounds, checking out mentally while you plan tomorrow's to-do list? How long have you been performing pleasure you are not feeling just to keep the peace, protect his ego, and get it over with? You have been faking it so long you forgot what real even feels like. And every time you fake it, you teach him that whatever he just did was the right thing. So he keeps doing it. For years. And you keep wondering why nothing changes.
You did that. With love, but you did that.
And fellas, do not get comfortable, because your bill is coming too.
The Lie Men Tell Themselves
Here is the truth that is going to sting a few of you. Having the equipment is not the same as knowing how to use it.
Too many men walk around thinking that simply showing up with what God gave them is the whole job. Like the presence of it alone should bring a woman to tears of gratitude. Baby, no. Owning a piano does not make you Beethoven. You can have all the right parts and still be playing the wrong song, in the wrong key, for years, while she claps politely and dies a little inside.
Confidence is sexy. Confidence with no curiosity is just noise. The man who thinks he has nothing left to learn about his woman's body is the same man whose woman has a whole inner life he knows nothing about. And the wild part is, he thinks he is doing his thing.
The Lie Women Tell Themselves Too
Now do not think I am letting us off easy. We have our own lie.
Some of us have been walking around like our presence is a gift so rare that simply granting access should be enough. Like we are the only one of us that exists and he should be grateful to be in the room. So we lie there. We give nothing. We participate in nothing. We make him do all the work while we act like showing up was our whole contribution, and then we have the nerve to be unsatisfied.
Sis, being wanted is not the same as being engaged. You cannot phone it in and expect a symphony. Passion is something you bring, not just something you grant. If you are a gift, then unwrap yourself. Be present. Be in your body. Be a participant in your own pleasure instead of a spectator.
Good sex does not happen to you. You make it, together.
Why Nobody Is Talking
Here is what kills me. Couples who have been together ten, fifteen, twenty years, who have seen each other at the absolute worst, who have raised babies and buried parents and survived things that would break most people, still cannot say one honest sentence about what they like in bed.
They will argue about money all day. They will discuss the mortgage, the in-laws, the kids' grades. But ask them to say out loud what actually feels good to them, and suddenly everybody is shy. Suddenly two grown people who have been naked together for decades are too bashful to have a real conversation.
Why? Because we were taught that wanting is shameful. That a good woman does not ask. That a real man already knows. So we stay quiet, we stay guessing, and we stay unsatisfied, all to protect a shyness that is costing us our intimacy.
Learn Each Other Like It's Homework
So here is your assignment, and yes, I am giving homework.
Learn each other. Study each other like the subject matters, because it does. Your partner's body is not a puzzle you solved on the honeymoon and never have to look at again. People change. What worked at twenty-five does not always work at forty. The woman you married has a body that has carried life, carried stress, carried years. The man you love has needs he may have never said out loud because nobody ever asked.
Ask. Out loud. Use your words like the grown people you are. Tell each other what you like, what you have always wanted to try, what stopped working, what you miss. Not as criticism. As an invitation. The goal is not to keep score. The goal is to actually know each other, all the way, with the lights on and the pretending off.
And here is the beautiful part. The conversation itself is intimacy. Two people brave enough to be that honest with each other are already closer than most couples ever get.
Both of You, All the Way In
Let me bring it home, because this is the whole point.
Good sex is not one person doing and one person receiving. It is not the lady laying there keeping the peace while she watches the ceiling. It is not one of you closing your eyes to picture somebody else just to get through it. If that is where you are, that is not intimacy. That is two lonely people in the same bed.
Real intimacy is both of you. Present, honest, curious, and unafraid. Both of you giving. Both of you receiving. Both of you willing to learn and willing to be taught. That is what takes care of your mate's needs, and yes, that means both of you have needs worth taking care of.
You deserve to be touched like you are known. And your partner deserves the same from you.
So stop performing. Stop assuming. Stop being shy with the one person you have given your whole life to. Talk about it. Learn each other. Show up all the way.
Because a love this real deserves a bedroom that tells the truth.
Until Next Time,
LaTonya Mechelle
LaTonya MeChelle is the founder and editor in chief of LoveChology, a life and love coach who works with individuals and couples one on one, in office in Texarkana and virtually worldwide. When you are ready for the real conversations, you can book a call with her at bookacallwithlm.paperform.co.
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